JFA, Inc. News Release Communiqué de Presse Comunicato Stampa Pressemitteilung             Comunicado de Prensa                     The Ant Farm JFA In and Out of Washington, D.C. in 2010   “Many ants practice trophalixis which involves reciprocal feeding between individuals and the exchange of chemicals that trigger certain behavior.”  This definition of ants’ behavior is found in Microsoft’s Encarta Encyclopedia. I’d like to add that an ant farm is a place where this activity occurs and where outsiders are allowed to watch, but not participate.  Sometimes outsiders are allowed to exchange chemicals, but we always provide for them. If there ever was a place on earth where this reciprocal feeding using the exchange of chemicals occurs, it is Washington, D.C. Although I grew up in D.C., as natives refer to the place, and got degrees from both Georgetown and George Washington, you really have to get away to realize how insular a place it is.  Everyone in the world is affected by what goes on in The Ant Farm, but rarely does the outside world really influence what goes on in it.  And the real problem is everyone takes themselves seriously in D.C. SO SERIOUSLY. I last wrote about The Ant Farm in 1997, so I thought it was time for an update; The Ant Farm 6.0 if you will. I have been to Senate hearings, Embassy receptions, visits to lobbyists, lunch and dinners at the main watering holes and pitched business to a D.C. firm that wanted my help to lobby The Ant Farm for business. The Source Every closed civilization needs a bible and the one that D.C. has is called The Capitol Source.  It’s the source of who’s who, what, and where in D.C.  It calls itself “The Ultimate Washington Rolodex.”  Unlike most bibles, which endure for millenniums, this one comes out quarterly.  It lists the key people in the U.S. government, foreign diplomats, major corporations, lobbyists for a variety of organizations and causes, the media (did you know that the Thibodaux Daily Comet and the Sioux Falls Argus Leader have correspondents here?), interest groups (anything from The National Association for Hispanic Elderly to the Challenger Center for Space Science Education) and consultants. Few people start out as consultants or lobbyists in The Ant Farm. They had to be something first and they usually have to learn how to wear  suspenders (aka braces). For example, one fellow in The Capitol Source started out as a journalist, then became a campaign aide to former Senator George McGovern, then became a hustler for business with Cuba, then the PR guy for the International Finance Corporation and now runs a premier lobbying firm.  You can pursue a lot of different careers and still live in The Ant Farm.  You can start out as a Democrat and end up lobbying Republicans and vice versa and most have law degrees. There are also a lot of straight laced military types who end up hustling defense contracts. In D.C. a law degree is required for political lobbying, but you better have a lot of oak leaf clusters for lobbying the Pentagon. We will explain later. Think about the self-imposed importance of a book with 7,000 names; none of whom really produce anything.  Yet we accept this as important and would dismiss the “who’s who” of McCook, Nebraska or Cincinnati as pretentious.  However, D.C. allows you to be pretentious and get away with it.  All you need are wing tips and a soft leather briefcase. The game in D.C. is to work as legislative aid to a congressman or a potential appointee, put in a couple of years, and then become a lobbyist – there are now 36,000 working in D.C. A starting point for many of these guys is US$ 10,000 a month-plus expenses, i.e. buying lunches and dinners. There are very expensive lobbyists and not so expensive ones. I remember one visit to Hogan & Hartson, one of the top law/lobbying firms in D.C. right near the National Press building.  John Roberts, the new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, came from this firm.  Anyway, my meeting was in a wonderful oak-lined conference room and plopped right in the middle was this enormous gleaming table stacked with the neatest, tallest and most immaculate stack of white legal pads I have ever seen.  They were begging to be written on. Corporations with D.C. offices are listed in The Capitol Source as well.  Although the people in these offices are sometimes invited to the many diplomatic functions, they usually spend their time at things called fundraisers.  Fundraisers are given by senators and representatives (pages 26-39 of The Capitol Source Book) organized by consultants, lobbyists and lawyers (pages 104-118), catered by caterers (page 156) and reported by the media (pages 118-151). B&B Caterers are the best and this says a lot about who you are.  TAKE OUT TAXIS is listed as a caterer, but it doesn’t have the same panache as B&B, Fait Acompli and IL Radicchio.  You know what they say, “The better the hors d’oeuvres, the better the legislation.” The political types read The Weekly Standard.  One of its ads states, “Time, Newsweek and The Washington Post can keep you informed but only the Standard can keep you inside.”  More ardent reading can be had by looking at the newsletters listed in the Source. It includes everything from Tax Highlights (highlights?), Inside the Pentagon, Kiplinger California Report (are they lost?), Octane Week and finally Political Finance and Lobby Reporter. The Washington Post follows the ants coming and going in a column called special interests If you live in a place like Dubuque Iowa where I live you are out of the loop since you can’t get daily delivery of the Washington Post. The trade and professional organizations are also listed in The Capitol Source.  These include everything from the National Association of Nurse Practitioners in Reproductive Health to the U.S. Sugar Beet Association and last, but not least, the Underseas and Hyperbaric Medical Society. The government has become mediocre (and we have let it happen) I have been involved with this city and have seen it become more and more mediocre; its mediocrity climaxed with the response to Hurricane Katrina.  Why? We are a rich country and don’t care too much about the quality of our Presidents regardless of what party they come from.  In recent years they have been both Democrat and Republican, an undistinguished lot. Everything swirls around name recognition, not what that person really stands for or is capable of. They get to appoint 5,000 people to the government.  Loyalty, not competence, dictates appointments. And the Senate confirms most of these turkeys. Far too many are lawyers. And the problem I have with lawyers is that they are too obsessed with the process rather than the outcome.  In business you know that success usually comes due to some non-linear thing you did to be successful. Law however is a linear process. So, linear responses are scripted for non-linear emergencies like Katrina, or mine disasters or the war in Iraq or Afghanistan. So if the process laid out does not fit reality, paralysis sets in. This built-in mediocrity then chases the good people out and totally turns off the ones that are left. And because the mediocre Presidents (I went to school with one—Clinton), who appoint people by affiliation not qualifications, know about their competence (or lack of same), the White House, not the various departments, runs the government. You don’t think so. Quick give me the names of the Health and Human Services Secretary, Energy, Agriculture, Interior? Where Chemicals are Exchanged All these types I’ve mentioned can be seen wining and dining in the same restaurants.  They all seem to wear those blue shirts with white collars.  No casual dress for lobbyists.  Okay, want to see where the ants eat?  Try Old Ebbett Grill, Georgia Brown’s or Clyde’s at Gallery Plaza. Probably the most competent person in D.C. is Toney Aleman, the lunchtime maitre‘d at the Old Ebbett Grill across from the Treasury Department and a couple of blocks from the heavily guarded White House People start arriving around 11:30 am and make their own line which doubles over itself many times. .  The maitre ‘d starts dealing. “Senator, how are you?  Table is ready!” “Mr. McNair, how are you?  How many today?” “Mr. Lewis, where have you been?  Don’t worry, I will get you in.” I have never seen one person handle so many people so efficiently in my life.  We need to clone him for airport security and food distribution after hurricanes. There is nothing linear about his job, which makes him perfect for running the government. Another place to watch chemicals being exchanged is the Mayflower Hotel. It has the only private phone booths I have ever seen in the city. Some association is always meeting there or some sort of fund raiser is going on. So, the lobby of the Mayflower is a neat place to get the pulse of the ant farm. Clubbing I have been fortunate to go clubbing, another way to hang out, in D.C; The University Club and the Cosmos Club are the two best known.  The Cosmos Club is stodgier, but offers a nicer setting – you can go in the garden or walk down Embassy Row.  The University Club is closer for the lobbyist crowd. A potential client invited me to lunch at the University Club. We ate in the William Howard Taft dining room where “notables are always present…”  I was overeager about talking business so I had brought along a file. I was promptly admonished for bringing papers to the lunchroom.  Later in one of the drawing rooms, I got to spread out papers. But the truth is known that I can be easily bought, a common occurrence in D.C. and named “Campaign Contributions.” In any event, I had a couple of hours between this lunch and my next meeting so I asked one of my hosts to check me into the athletic club so I could steam.  I accepted a steamy bribe. The Club had wonderful steam rooms, second only to the Jewish Community Center in Minneapolis where I was a member for 30 years.  There the Russian Jews have taken over the steam room and are only happy when they are boiling. The third best I have been to is at the Eagle Ridge Resort in Galena Illinois where my wife and I have a cottage. The non resident membership initiation for the University Club is $800 (I may not qualify as I saw most new members are lawyers) and the monthly fee is $45 and the minimum monthly expenditure is $25. So the first year is $800, plus 12 x 70. If I came every month , it would be more or less it would be $137 each time I steamed plus airfare to get there but then you never know who you might meet in the steam room.   Neurotic and outsourced A classic firm that grew out of this neurotic conundrum is Global Options (www.globaloptions.com), which wins my award for scariest web site.  I met its chairman in the steam room of the University Club.  Its mission is “to assist hundreds of corporations, celebrities and governments deal with the complexities of the modern world.”  It asks, have you been attacked by the:             Media?             Trial layers?             Disgruntled workers?             Terrorists?             Overzealous federal regulations?             Competitors?             Hackers?             Industrial spies?             One-issue activists?             Extremists?             Intellectual property thieves?             Or even the Russian mafia? On its advisory board are people who have worked in the ANT FARM like the former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, director of CIA, Ambassador to Bermuda, and Oman, and Speaker of the House of Representatives. Global Options can respond to “any crisis big or small, whatever it takes. We have attorneys, crisis communication specialists, investigators, former senior policy makers and even commandos.”  An A to C service – attorneys to commandos. They have a wide variety of partners including the White House Writers Group, who are former White House speech writers specializing in “elite communications.”  I guess this excludes the type of writing I do, as this group targets “legal elites, financial community elites, industrial, political and regulatory elites and media elites.” There are two types of lobbyists: the political types who can be found in and around K Street and the ones that lobby the Pentagon and thus are in Rosslyn, Crystal City and Pentagon City The three keys to successful as a defense contractor are a) to be listed in as many “contract vehicles” as possible, b) to have ex-military types who love military hardware and you have nick names like “Spider” or “Crusher” c) and who understands acronyms to  be your lobbyist. One defense  contractor said our” customers benefit by the large variety of contract vehicles that are in place, convenient and ready to use. To wit this firm list CECOM, CIO-SP2i, DIESCON, FABS, HQ USAF AF/XOR,IT,  ITSP II, CEOss,DESP, EITC,HITS,IT, JT&E.Milennia Lite, PEO EI PMSS BPA, Safeguard, Seaport Enhanced, TAS, VANITS, LOGWORLD, MOBIS, PES ,Safety and security DoT, SEAST Management and U-ITTS.” Whew! Firms that want to do business with the US Defense Department then latch on to contractors, also called “integrators”, and have their firm run the alphabet soup of contract vehicles. Apart from being listed in all the contract vehicles it helps to have a former department of defense guy represent your business. Here's part of a typical resume:  “awards include the Distinguished Service Medal, Defense Superior Service medal with Oak Leaf Cluster, Legion of Merit with two oak Leaf Clusters, Bronze Star with oak Leaf Cluster, Combat Infantrymen’s badge, master parachutists with Gold Star and the Ranger Tab!” But whatever the background, the lexicon of The Ant Farm is unique. The strategic glossary below might help.   HOW TO SPEAK STRATEGICALLY Normal Speak Ant Farm Speak Get our act together On message Getting your point across Effective message management Give to their fundraiser Engage with elected officials How to get yours Policy Initiative Important Strategic Making people believe you Scripting radio and television appearance Pattern Paradigm Practical advice Strategic counseling Point of view Advocacy Rich Highly select Top level Elite What we do Practice area When you are searching for a word, any word for what you do Strategic   Passion will win out As cynical as this blog sounds, there is hope.  I would stack up any passionate grass roots effort against an indifferent paid lobbyist. Latvia does have one of the neatest grass roots lobbying groups called the Joint Baltic Committee.  Its executive director is a friend of mine.  He lives in a church basement near D.C. during the week and goes home, about 150 miles away, for the weekend.  He writes senators and congressmen, attends hearings, but doesn’t have a budget to wine and dine or give campaign contributions. Latvia became part of NATO because of its grass roots lobbying campaign. How to get there   D.C. hasn’t changed much from when I lived there as a kid.  “Rush hour” was a novelty and 13th Street was the major commuting artery – one way in the a.m., one way out in the p.m.  The Beltway changed that as traffic is everywhere at all hours.  It’s man-to-man combat. New York drivers are rude, we know that.  However, the drivers in the D.C. suburbs are rude and mean spirited.  The Washington Post even has a venting column called Dr. Gridlock. Distant cities like Frederick, MD, Winchester, VA and Fredericksburg, VA are now suburbs even though they are 40 to 50 miles out.  This has led people to either buy a house in distant suburbs or be a pioneer in a gentrified D.C. neighborhood.  Places where I feared to be as a teen now sport antique shops.  One black guy even wrote that it was okay for whites to move into Takoma Park, D.C., forgetting that whites had originally lived there. Real estate prices are through the roof.  Ordinary houses are US $1 million and suburban congestion leads to angry driver’s copious middle finger waving every time you drive.There is no unemeployement in the Ant Fram. When I approach the outer limits of the Ant Farm, I hold my nose and wait for the first crazed driver to do his thing, cut me off, give me the finger, etc. for driving the speed limit.  It doesn’t take long.  Unlike The Ant Farm, I live in Dubuque where people still maintain eye contact with you and say “hi” and the local Wal-Mart has benches inside so folks can “set” and talk. One of my daughters who lives in urbane Denver worries about me and sent me a Ralph Lauren pullover for she was worried I was becoming a “hick.”   John Freivalds